ok, time to take a big step here. i'm going to take the risk of blogging about my mental state and personal life. mum if you are reading this, don't be worried, i'm ok. read to the end of the post and you'll see.
i made a snap decision to get an emergency appointment today before my emotions took even more of a hold than they already are. My GP it seemed is away think week and although i knew the duty GP i don't know her as well as i do the Nurse Practitioner who was also there this afternoon.
So i asked to see Janet the nurse practitioner instead. and i'm so glad i did. she helped me to see a few things more clearly. firstly just accept the digi box from mum gratefully and don't read anything more into it. she reminded me of the generous trait in my personality and how much i enjoy giving things to others, and how when i do that i don't look for things in return. so thats what i'm going to tell mum tonight.
she told me how far i'd come in the 8/9 years i'd known her. in the past i would have been seeing her for stitches not a chat. and that would have been only a couple of years ago. she said how my thinking had matured and the way i deal with my feelings and depression.
i went in there booked myself in, hid in a corner in the waiting room away from other people and sat there with tears rolling down my face. Janet agreed that perhaps i should have made an appointment earlier but we recognised that the whole running away from help is part of the demons inside of me. she booked me in with my GP for monday morning there and then.
the news is always going on about improvements needed for GP surgeries, the news today is saying about longer hours for those who work/have family life to sort etc. now i know i don't fall into those categories but my surgery has saved my life quite literally several times over the past 10 years. the receptionists are so wonderful and have looked after me on many occasion. i've had my GP turn up at my house when i've been in trouble. they open til 6.30pm and start at 8.30am.
i wish there was some way i could show recognition of all they've done. christmas cards and edible christmas treats or a summer edible treat just aren't enough. they've gone above and beyond for me and i have no doubts that i wouldn't be alive today if it wasn't for them.
ok i'm going to stop now before the tears start again. another reason i realised seeing Janet was the right thing to do and also how i had changed. normally i would have left in tears too but today i left feeling mentally stronger than when i went in.